The Cult of Marriage

"Can you imagine how he felt after he left? The last 20 years of his life were a total waste," exclaimed the boyfriend. We were watching Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief,  the HBO documentary that interviews ex-Scientologists about why they left an organization that invasively permeated nearly all aspects of their lives. I disagreed. "Maybe initially, but I think ex-Scientologists are like divorced people," I explained. "They're grateful they finally came to see the light, grateful for a second chance."

One of my brilliant friends--happily single by choice--likes to equate marriage to being in a cult. Specifically, a cult of two. Like a cult, marriage is often mystifying to people outside of it. You make compromises that seem unreasonable to outsiders. The ex-Scientologists interviewed in Going Clear talked about having to do things that violated their own personal beliefs, such as breaking all ties with friends and family members who walked away from Scientology or living in prison-like conditions to "prove" their fidelity to Scientology and its leader. Even though I thrive on the social aspects of cooking and eating meals together, my ex-husband never wanted to eat together, even when we were at home at the same time. So I spent years eating alone. Cults warp you, but you can't clearly recognize it until you're outside of it. 

The ex-Scientologists in the movie all spoke of the high price they paid to walk away, particularly the painful consequence of having their family and friends still in Scientology cutting off all ties to them. Walking away from a marriage extracts a similar high price. To anyone who hasn't left a long-term relationship, that price might seem unbearably high, but the silver lining is that unexpected second chance at creating an authentically happy life. And that's priceless.