Junking the Junk Food

A couple weeks ago I came across my list of goals for 2013. I found it underneath my dresser, where it must have fallen months ago, since it was blanketed by a mortifyingly thick layer of dust. I laughed when I noticed my number two goal for the year: become more organized. I assume I'm automatically disqualified from that goal, since I couldn't even be bothered to keep track of the index card listing my goals.

Although I didn't reach all my goals, I was happy to realize that I've met *some* of them. One of the biggest goals I met was avoiding junk food. I ate a lot of kale this year. A lot. In fact, if I were to suddenly snap and do something unfathomable or criminal, I think I'd have a good shot at dodging the consequences with "the kale defense," essentially the opposite of the Twinkie defense, which blamed some asshole's criminal behavior on his over-consumption of the poster child of junk food -- the Twinkie. I contend eating nothing except the highly nutritious, but slightly bitter, kale is enough to drive anyone to do desperate, crazy things. But I'm not a hardcore purist. I take my kale deliciously adulterated with lemon, apples, almonds, and parmesan cheese, in a modified version of the Waldorf salad.

Avoiding junk food wasn't just about improving my already pretty good eating habits. My bigger goal was harder: avoiding *emotional* junk food. In my case, emotional junk food is dating men who are inappropriate for me. Dating a guy who is too young is the equivalent of eating a deep-fried Twinkie. Sure, it might be momentarily appealing, but 15 minutes later, the nausea sets in. For me, dating a guy who's not looking for a long-term relationship is like eating french fries and pizza for dinner every night. I can't do that anymore. It makes me feel shitty.

Remember Bugles -- that tasteless corn-based snack in the shape of a horn? When I was a kid, I would eat one Bugle after another in a junk-food-zombie trance, even though I never really liked them! Kid logic compelled me to pick the shitty junk food I didn't even really like over apples or other healthy snack options. Dating Carny was like mindlessly eating a box of Bugles.    

Thanks to kale and Frenchy, I largely avoided junk food this year. Even if I didn't have the kale salad of relationships that I do, I feel capable of recognizing emotional junk food, which helps me take it out of my cart and put it back on the shelf before I buy it. My new goal -- besides getting more organized -- is to be able to automatically walk past the all junk food without even putting it in my cart.