Some Days It's All You've Got

Earlier today while I was pumping gas, a young guy in a beat-up car pulled up to the pump behind me and asked if I could spare a couple bucks for gas. When I politely declined, he told me, "Damn! You got it going on, Girl! Your man is a lucky one."

I smiled at him and thought to myself, 'I'm really rocking these bermuda shorts from Costco. A guy who hit me up for gas money thinks my imaginary boyfriend is lucky.'

So, I've got that going for me.

If I Can't Find Anyone Online I'd Like to Date, At Least I'll Always Have Subtext

There is A LOT of subtext in online dating profiles. A common type of subtext occurs when a guy wants to say something about himself that he knows he shouldn't just say flat out, but must "artfully" drop hints alluding to it. For example, a guy who wants you to know he's financially well off might refer to his houses or his plane or his fancy-pants cars, instead of just saying, "I'm loaded, Girls! Who wants to be my arm candy this week?"

This kind of subtext gets funnier the more crudely obvious it is. But some of the most delightful subtext is the kind I can't really decipher. What the hell is he trying to tell me?!

One of the most baffling profiles I've seen features a serious dude in a cowboy hat striking a Marlboro Man pose next to the large propeller of (presumably) his plane. Hilarious. Here's what he wrote in his profile that simply mystifies me:

"I'll ignore your beauty. I won't play by your rules. I will keep you guessing. When we are together I will not take you to the arid desert of logic where thoughts are finished and conclusions drawn."

WTF?  It's as if he's longing for the unhappy part of an unhappy marriage. No wonder no one's contacted him this week.

I think I might need to though -- just to ask him the size of his propeller.

WWJB?

The dating website I've been trying on for size looks at how you answered all the personality questions and comes up with a short phrase that describes you in a nutshell (e.g. "more adventurous," "more desiring of sex," "less pantsed," etc.). Naturally, the shirtless buff dude (who is holding his pec and making a smooch face) is described by the short phrase "more spiritual."

What would Jesus bench? I'm just praying he contacts me.

Crisis! I-Rarely-Wear-Pants Changed His Opening Line

Evidently, "I rarely wear pants" is not a good come-hither opening line in an online dating profile. Yesterday Mr. I-Rarely-Wear-Pants changed his opening line to "In general, I'd rather be outside than inside, with a few conditions. I rarely wear long pants." BORING.

I could not let this travesty go without a little protest from me. (You're welcome.) So I sent him this plea:

Dear Rarely Pantsed,

You had me at "I rarely wear pants." Why did you change the best opening line of a dating profile ever? I hope this doesn't mean you wear jeggings all the time. I prefer to think you are not merely a semantics trickster, but are a true rebel fighting society's unreasonable oppression against the pantsless lifestyle.

Sincerely,

I_Never_Wear_Mini_Skirts

How to Say "F*ck You, Jackass" Without Using Those Exact Words to a Complete Stranger on a Dating Website

47-year-old Architect from Marina del Rey: You are fabulous and lovely!

Me: Thank you!

Architect: Do you have any other pictures you can send me? I'm trying to get a better sense of you.

Me: I'm not sure what you mean.

Architect:  What's your body type?

Pissed-Off Me:   Um... I come from rural Scandinavian peasant stock, where the women tend to be short and stocky -- built to pull a plow in case the plow horse gets sick or dies.

Does that answer your question?

A Scene from the Exciting World of Online Dating!

(or Why I Will Die Alone -- a pathetic old woman finding small comfort in her beloved dogs and her massive four-decades-acquired collection of Ryan Reynolds memorabilia)

Me: "So, not only are you an oenophile, but you like fine dining too. What an unusual combination."

Him:  "What's a (sic) oenophile?" asked the guy who mentioned wine five times in his online profile.

Me: "A wine snob," said the Word Snob, snobbily.

Dipping My Toe

This week was the first time I dipped my toe into online dating. Out of the entire pool of single LA men, the website's best match for me -- at 92% -- is a goofball in a cowboy hat whose first line in his profile is, "I rarely wear pants."                            

Only four days online and I've already found my next ex-husband.

Question

This morning I stood in the back of a long line at Starbucks next to a hot guy who chatted me up. Question: How long can I suck in my gut before I should worry about passing out from the exertion?