The second time around on an online dating website, I find that my bullshit-o-meter goes off all the time, like a metal detector at a NRA convention. I now know how some men use online dating websites like a giant drag net to dredge up anyone for a possible fling or date.
A typical example is a guy my age who sent me what on the surface is a lovely message.
HIM: Beautiful, striking, sexy, sassy and I sense completely grounded in strength, soul, and intellect! I would love for us to explore our chemistry together and see where it leads us. Your thoughts?
I smelled bullshit as soon as I read it. My profile is more sarcastic than a mean girl on the defensive in a high school cafeteria. There is nothing in it that would suggest what he wrote. So I pressed him for evidence of this.
ME: Thank you! What an awesome compliment! Just curious about what exactly in my profile leads you to believe I'm "completely grounded in strength, soul, and intellect?" I'm not saying those things aren't true, I just don't see those things in my profile.
HIM: 100% vibe! Vibes speak volumes to me....very organic....very primal.
I checked out his profile, which turned out to be a long, very particular list of requirements he has about the women he likes to date. He posted almost nothing about himself. I bet he has this one golden message -- this one trick pony -- that he sends out to hundreds of women who catch his eye, each thinking he alone can see her soul and was so moved to write this special unique message just for her.
But I think this whole "vibe" business is his way of cutting to the chase, dispensing with all the pre-date emails that he considers a waste of his time. He's one of those ill mannered guys for whom the only real question about a potential date is, 'Do I find you f*ckable?'
HIM: What are your thoughts?
ME: I think your vibramator is a little off. I'm kind of an asshole.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Sunday, May 25, 2014
The Circus is Back in Town
Back on it. After a 15-month hiatus, I have come back to online dating -- the sledgehammer of romance -- to find true love. Hope I don't get bludgeoned too much. Instead of posting a long earnest profile that tries so hard to reflect the real me, I wrote a brief, very sarcastic one and posted a couple cute photos. My opening lines skewer two common cliches found in many female dating profiles. And I make fun of the profile question, 'What are the six things you couldn't live without' by posting six things that no longer exist, such as new episodes of Dynasty. This time around, 80% of the guys who send me messages don't understand my sarcasm or my digs at dating-profile cliches, but the other 20% are hilarious guys who do. Score!
Turns out funny guys like sassy women with a sarcastic edge. But it's also what seems to attract super confident guys who just want to get laid. That guy will send me a short, funny, flirty message. If I respond, he'll soon escalate the flirtation with some questions about what I'm wearing or what I like in a man. He's as subtle as a Katy Perry song, and just as eye rolling.
If I keep replying to his messages, even in an intentionally vague way, the flirtation will quickly advance to propositions to sleep with him. When I explain that I'm not looking for a hookup, that in fact I'm *only* looking for an intimate relationship that builds slowly, he tries to flatter me into sleeping with him. But my vanity is immune to the flattery, because sex with someone you don't really know well is awkward and feels emotionally hollow. Sex without that intimate emotional connection built over time is the equivalent of grocery-store sushi. Why bother? It's so unsatisfying compared to the real sublime thing.
When I flatly turn him down with the explanation that I don't want to have sex with a stranger, no matter how hot or funny, he responds with slight disbelief, like a dog tilting his head when he hears an unusual sound. Then I really confuse him by saying, "You just invited me over for shitty sushi. Who would ever want to eat shitty sushi? I don't."
The circus is back in town. Enjoy it while it lasts. I know I will.
Turns out funny guys like sassy women with a sarcastic edge. But it's also what seems to attract super confident guys who just want to get laid. That guy will send me a short, funny, flirty message. If I respond, he'll soon escalate the flirtation with some questions about what I'm wearing or what I like in a man. He's as subtle as a Katy Perry song, and just as eye rolling.
If I keep replying to his messages, even in an intentionally vague way, the flirtation will quickly advance to propositions to sleep with him. When I explain that I'm not looking for a hookup, that in fact I'm *only* looking for an intimate relationship that builds slowly, he tries to flatter me into sleeping with him. But my vanity is immune to the flattery, because sex with someone you don't really know well is awkward and feels emotionally hollow. Sex without that intimate emotional connection built over time is the equivalent of grocery-store sushi. Why bother? It's so unsatisfying compared to the real sublime thing.
When I flatly turn him down with the explanation that I don't want to have sex with a stranger, no matter how hot or funny, he responds with slight disbelief, like a dog tilting his head when he hears an unusual sound. Then I really confuse him by saying, "You just invited me over for shitty sushi. Who would ever want to eat shitty sushi? I don't."
The circus is back in town. Enjoy it while it lasts. I know I will.
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