Seriously, Abandon All Hope (Part 2)

If you've never had the first-hand experience of using online dating to search for love, you might be rolling your eyes, thinking 'Here she goes again with much ado about nothing -- going on about a few bad first dates. Suck it up, Frosty.' Anyone who's a veteran of internet dating knows I'm not exaggerating the emotional whiplash of this wild ride. Looking for a romantic partner who will be much more than a booty call is an exhausting process when you do it online. Part of the exhaustion comes from trying to recognize the inhabitants of the Nine Circles of internet dating Hell before you make the mistake of going out with them.

In last week's blog, I looked at the first three circles: Limbo, Lust, and Gluttony. This week I examine the middle three circles. We left off at the Fourth Circle of Hell, which, in Dante's Inferno, is filled with the Greedy, including both the avaricious and the wastefully prodigal. But I would use a different word to describe those who dwell in the Fourth Circle of internet dating Hell: the Entitled -- those who believe they are deserving of, or entitled to, certain special privileges because of who they are. You can see it in the highly successful guy who has the attitude that any woman should feel grateful to date him because of his success. Or the entitled hot woman who believes anyone she dates should feel lucky because of her "rare" stunning physical beauty. (Hey, I live in LA, where stunning physical beauty is as common as Starbucks locations.) They're often high maintenance and have an attitude that their needs always come first -- or worse, that their needs are the only ones that matter. 

The Fifth Circle of internet dating Hell is reserved for those consumed by anger. This ring is typified by the Angry Guy, who is disillusioned by intimate romantic relationships in general because he's never adequately processed his angry feelings about previous relationships that went wrong. (His female counterpart is Angry Girl, who can't stop bashing her ex to everyone within earshot.) Angry Guy is resentful not only of his former wives and girlfriends, but of the *entire* female gender. He's the guy who writes disparagingly of women on his dating profile. "I'm just looking for some fun with an attractive, fit, SANE woman until she decides to go loco on me," wrote a guy I not-at-all-sarcastically call "He Seems Nice." Angry Guy often speaks in broad sweeping negative generalizations about women. Yeah, sign me up for some of that shit. 

Heretics -- the ones who go against commonly accepted doctrine -- comprise the Sixth Circle of internet dating Hell. Within the context of online dating, a commonly accepted doctrine is the idea that everyone is looking for that one special partner with whom to spend the rest of one's life. Ha! Tell that to the swingers and the polyamorous, who reject the conventional idea that everyone has one soulmate with whom we naturally, magically pair up. Reading one's online dating messages is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get.

Stay tuned...

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

"ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE," should be legally required in 72-point type on the home page of every internet dating website. It's that famous quote from Dante's Inferno, the foreboding inscription on the gates of Hell as Virgil leads Dante into the depths of despair. But the funny thing is, it also applies equally well to internet dating. At the risk of sounding histrionic and decidedly non-midwestern, online dating websites are a contemporary version of Hell. If that seems like hyperbole, let me double-down by saying that if Dante were writing Inferno today, he would be describing the people who populate the nine circles of Internet Dating Hell.

The First Circle is Limbo, a collection of men (and women) who are stuck in a transitional state that makes them neither completely available nor completely unavailable. These are the married men with no intention of ending their marriage, and who, for various reasons, are dating on the side, often with their spouse's tacit or openly acknowledged approval. It could be the men who stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of their children or a family-run business, but have sexual and/or emotional needs that are not being met by their wife. Rodeo Clown, the Montana businessman/rancher looking for an out-of-town cowgirl he can pay to be his once-a-month girlfriend, is one of these lost souls in Limbo.

But it's not just attached men in complicated, ambiguous relationships in this First Circle. The emotionally unavailable guy is here in droves, stuck in this limbo despite many attractive opportunities to escape. He *claims* to be looking for the love of his life with whom he can finally settle down after all these years, but she never ultimately materializes because he's simply too uncomfortable in a truly intimate committed relationship. He's that lifelong middle-aged bachelor who has never been married or had a live-in girlfriend.

The Second Circle of Internet Dating Hell is filled with all the men consumed by Lust -- which at first seems like 100% of them. The distinction is between those men who, despite their better judgment, *act* on their lust, and those men who do not let the shiny-metal distraction of lust unduly influence their dating decisions. These are the guys who have no emotional interest in you; their interest is purely physical. You're not their "relationship type," just their physical type. These are the guys who are prone to choosing a trophy wife in their first, second or third marriages, instead of an "appropriate" woman who is similar in age, smarts, and physical appearance. In LA, there seems to be an excessive amount of personal trainers biding their time in the Second Circle.

The sexual Gluttons inhabit the Third Circle of Internet Dating Hell. There are many guys in their 20s who loiter for a time in the Gluttony Circle, but many will eventually move on as they grow tired of the exhausting chase to nail new tail. But some never grow out of it, and continue to choose the short-lived pleasures of quantity over quality. To them, online dating is a cheap sexual buffet where they can stuff themselves with gigantic portions of crapass all-you-can-eat food. I am not amused when these Gluttons regard me as if I were a large tub of fettuccine alfredo at their own personal Souplantation.

Three rings down, six to go. To be continued...

Distracted by Boy Toys and a Rodeo Clown

It's been two months since I went back on the online dating website to shop for potential boyfriends. Surprisingly, I've been contacted by a few guys who messaged me the first time I was on this website. Aging Hipster sent me the world's *second* laziest message: the word "Hilarious" followed by his first name. The world's laziest message is "Hi," which I receive several times a day from mouth-breathing dullards trolling the website for *any* woman who might respond.

Remember Mensa, the pear-shaped man with the avuncular presence who has a thing for women who like to talk politics? Well, evidentally he doesn't remember me, because he sent me a long, funny message introducing himself. His profile is exactly the same brief, hilarious one that grabbed my attention almost two years ago. I didn't have the heart to respond to him. What would I say?! "Hi. We already went on a date. Don't you remember me?" It seemed kinder to ignore him than to reply and underscore the message, 'You're a nice guy, but I'm still not interested in dating you.'

I've had four guys in their early 20s who've specifically offered to be my "Boy Toy." WTH?! Boy Toys are strictly for famous women who've entered that dissolute decade that often comes during their 50s or 60s, when all they do is sit around in brightly colored caftans drinking strong cocktails by the pool. I don't own a caftan! I'm a regular middle-aged woman, not Cher. I don't play with toys. Or boys.

Then there is the 62-year-old conservative "businessman/rancher" from Montana who asked me if I "would be interested in a Sugar Dad type situation." Awww, sweet -- my first proposition. What could I possibly say, other than "Tell me more"? (Oh, don't judge me. I write a blog that trades on voyeurism, People.) He's looking for a girlfriend on the side he can "visit" every month when he comes to town. "Visit" is my polite euphemism for the word he really means. He elaborated that he likes to "visit" at least three times each night because he's "a Viagra Cowboy." I've been to enough rodeos to spot a Rodeo Clown right away. In so many words, I told him I never "visit" the Rodeo Clown. I only laugh at him.