Come and Knock on Our Door, We've Been Waiting For You...

This week in the FPL online-dating chronicles, I was contacted by a 46-year-old chef who loves to cook and opens restaurants for a living. After the previous week's unsolicited underpants photo incident, that might sound good by comparison. After all, I adore food cooked with love and served to me in restaurants. Except the 46-year-old chef is a woman, and she and her boyfriend are looking for someone to join them in a three-way. O, the endless variety of people in life's rich pageant. Too bad I seem to attract all of them who make me feel *very* uncomfortable.

Can it get any more awkward than a hookup? Yes. Yes, it can; a hookup with not just one, but two strangers. Sex is not a team sport. At least not for me. Or maybe I'm just not a team player. And though it's quite easy for me to immediately dismiss out of hand the possibility of ever participating in a three-way, that doesn't mean I can't imagine in excruciating detail what such an uncomfortable scenario would be like for me if I did. You're welcome.

In an episode left on the cutting-room floor from that late 70s/early 80s slapstickcom Three's Company, I--the Jack Tripper of this scenario--would be frantically trying to find any excuse to get "She-Way" out of the bedroom, leaving me alone with "He-Way" for a little conventional one-on-one nookie. Since She-Way is a chef, I would feign peckishness and ask her to go whip up something in the kitchen--you know, like risotto, which takes 45 minutes of constant stirring to correctly prepare.  Or 1,000-ingredient turkey-kale chili that requires seven different varieties of peppers and 27 unexpected trips to the grocery store. An evening filled with my obvious lies and frantic obfuscation is how that would play out.

With no desire to send a polite, but awkward, "no thank you," I prefer to answer them with the elegant silence that a no-reply loudly sends. She-Way and He-Way will be disappointed to eventually learn that they've contacted "No-Way" for their proposed group tryst.