Mr. Hard-Sell

I didn't mean to incite his interest every time I checked for new messages on the dating website. I was merely being lazy, always using the link that opened to *his* profile page, instead of creating a new link to the general home page or my own profile. He initially contacted me a few months ago, not long after I lost my good sense and went back to online dating. His first message to me was kind of over the top with a paragraph of generic compliments in Italian, as well as marveling at our 99% match compatibility. I checked out his page and decided I wasn't interested. He spent much of his lengthy profile talking about his vocation as a lecturer and his many new media projects, which I found exhausting. I could only assume meeting him in person would be even more so. And I didn't like his profile picture either, which featured him at a podium mid-lecture poking the air with all the authority and conviction of a cult leader.

Almost every time I got online to check my messages, he would visit my profile or send me a message cajoling me to agree to a date or at least a phone call. I was turned off by his hard-sell used-car-salesman approach. Instead of 'What do I have to do to get you into this car today?', Mr. Hard-Sell sent me messages like this:

Hard-Sell:  Noticed you stopped by my profile. Wondering what I need to do... to get you to respond to my note. Any suggestions? (Be careful... this is a trick question).

I only responded once with a brief message saying that what I needed was time, since I was very busy at the moment. But because I kept using the link to his profile to open up the dating website in my phone, he must have thought I kept obsessively checking out his profile, as if I found the question of whether I should go out with him or not as complex a question as "What is the human condition?"

Hard-Sell: Maybe we can touch base this weekend. If you want, leave me your number and a good time to chat. And I'll give you a call. 

I did not reply, assuming that he'd just get weary of continuing this one-sided email convo with a no-name mute.

Hard-Sell: Hey... it's a holiday weekend. Good time to go to the beach. Why don't we rendezvous in Santa Monica? Sometime this afternoon or tomorrow. Tell me what you think. Ciao bella.

No reply from me, yet I still continued to use the link to his profile page as a sort of default home page for the dating website.

Hard-Sell: Hey... you're still here. I'm still here. Don't you think we should get on the phone... and see if there's a spark? Pretty easy to do. <his phone number> Or send me your number and a good time to chat. 

Now he was just annoying me. I continued to give him the silent treatment.

Hard-Sell: I see you poking around. I know you're interested. I don't know what's holding you back. Quell your curiosity. Send me a note. I promise not to bite (well, maybe just a little). Sogni d'oro bella.

Nope, still not interested. I'm just lazy. When I finally pushed his patience to the limit, I received a very terse note with not even one word of Italian in it.

Hard-Sell: Talk to me. <Plus his name and phone number>.

I suspect his final email to me will consist of just one glorious, fitting word: Bitch.