In my last two blog posts, I explored the first six circles of online-dating Hell. This time I will examine the last three circles of internet-dating Hell. As in Dante's Inferno, the last three circles contain the worst of Hell's bounty. Naturally--because I'm lucky that way--I've had a lot of interaction with bottom-circle-dwellers. In fact, I'm sort of a magnet for these three types, who seek out gullible dupes like me willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
The Seventh Circle of internet-dating Hell is comprised of those who are going through the motions of online dating for purely ego-driven reasons. These are the guys who will ply you with a persistent charm offensive until you agree to meet for that first date, then bail on you with a cryptic "I'm sorry" the day of. The ego-driven guy is just looking for the validation that he can get any woman of his choosing to agree to go out with him. I suspect Aging Hipster was the first ego-driven guy who did this to me, but sadly not the last. Only last month, I got spanked again by another guy who behaved as though an ego boost is the only thing he really wants from online dating.
The most recent ego-driven guy had been online chatting with me on and off over the course of five weeks. He asked lots of questions about me, while revealing very little about himself. He asked me out a couple of times, but I was always busy. He claimed he was a comedy writer, but he didn't squander a lot of his comedy-writing skills on me. I was on the fence about meeting him, because he's nine years older and his alleged career success is frankly intimidating to me. If it happened, fine. But I wasn't agonizing over any lost opportunities to meet him. Eventually, we settled on an evening that worked for both of us. On the morning of our date, "Ego Boost" bowed out with a brief "I'm really, really sorry, but I have to cancel tonight." Could something legitimate have come up to interfere with our planned first date? Of course. Maybe his basement flooded or he got gout or things worked out with someone else he'd been pursuing online. But it just didn't feel as if his cancellation was due to an outside circumstance. It's the no-attempt-at-an-explanation cancellation and no follow-up that makes me think it was just another older guy trying to jump start his ego.
The Eighth Circle of internet-dating Hell is reserved for the Fraudulent, which includes an overflowing subset just for liars, who are legion on dating websites. Among the worst of the fraudulent are the married men who pretend to be single and lead double lives. Think Scott Peterson, who was convicted of killing his pregnant young wife when he decided he enjoyed dating more than being married. But many of the fraudulent are just small-time liars, with no agenda other than making themselves more attractive as a potential first date. The small-time liar prevaricates about his age, his occupation, or his height, just to be less likely to be dismissed before a first date happens.
One of the more benign encounters I've had with a liar involved a guy who responded to my sarcastic dating profile with a hilarious email that ended by asking me to call him "Nutsey." I eagerly obliged, and we started a dueling-banjos sort of back-and-forth with funny emails. Even though Nutsey is 58, three years older than my preferred age range of 45 to 55, I was intrigued by his comedy-writing background and that he's currently writing a book about economics. He asked me out, and I agreed to meet him for a drink and karaoke at a restaurant located about halfway between our places. A few hours before our date, Nutsey texted me to check in and see if we were still on.
Nutsey: I need to come clean about something.
Me: Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
Nutsey: I'm not really 58. I just celebrated my 64th birthday a few weeks ago. You are free to cancel with no hard feelings of course.
Me: Nutsey!!!!!!! Are you *trying* to get into my blog?!
Nutsey: No, just your pants. ;)
Me: Ha! Don't you get into trouble when you claim to be younger than you really are?
Nutsey: Not really. Women usually say they're younger than their real age, and it turns out to be a wash.
I reluctantly bowed out, telling him I wasn't comfortable dating someone who's at a different stage of life than me. Sometimes I regret not meeting Nutsey in person. He was very funny. But I think I saved myself the likely anguish of dating someone who fundamentally isn't right for me.
The Ninth Circle of internet-dating Hell contains the very worst kind of online dater. In Inferno, Dante designated the Treacherous as the sinners of the Ninth Circle of Hell, condemned to live out eternity frozen in a lake as cold as their hearts. The Treacherous dater at his core lacks empathy. Because he has no real intuitive ability to empathize with you, his needs *always* supersede yours. In fact, the most hardcore Treacherous dater lacks the ability to even recognize that you have needs that are different than his. These are the sociopaths who will use you as a tool to get what they want. You are merely a means to their end. A classic example is the charming sociopath who sweeps a woman off her feet, marries her, and wipes out her bank account before skipping town. That hasn't happened to me (yet), but I don't rule it out as a possibility in the same way that I don't rule out death by killer bees or quicksand. I can't blithely assume it would never happen to me.
A more common sociopath is the narcissist who needs constant praise and adoration from you. He is an emotional vampire who will suck the life out of you and discard you when you no longer adequately serve that purpose. The narcissist is especially treacherous because he's charming and charismatic in the beginning while he's luring you into his heartless lair. Nothing will cure a narcissist, so get out as soon as you recognize your honey bunny is one. Being romantically involved with a guy who lacks empathy or is merely empathy-challenged is the dating equivalent of being the frog in the pot of water on the stove. You will not realize the damage to your psyche until you're suffering from third-degree burns.
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