Older and Wiser

I have always pictured post-divorce love blossoming for me -- if it happened to me -- after a long, steady courtship, starting out slowly as friends and progressing to romance and then love in a gradual, natural way. Falling in love would be the emotional version of slowly submerging myself into a warm bubble bath, feeling perfectly comfortable and relaxed, surrounded by geranium-scented candles and warm towels. You know, the sensible way to fall in love, now that I'm much older and wiser.

Ha! Friggin' ha! While I am definitely older, I'm not sure how much wiser I am. Even though I have very much wanted to find the right guy with whom to fall in love after my divorce, I am surprised by how much that very possibility is frightening to me. Instead of luxuriating in a warm, comfortable bath, I seem to have cannon-balled off the pier into the lake. And now I'm screaming, "Holy shit, it's freezing in here," even though I know the water's nice and I will get used to it in a minute. 

I don't get it. At times I have felt so frustrated by my seemingly quixotic quest to fall in love again, yet when I am on the cusp of it, it scares me witless. Pfft. Man, sometimes I annoy the crap out of myself.