A couple months ago when I felt kind of hopeless about meeting someone special online, I was contacted by a good looking, excessively tall, midwestern 34-year-old surgeon who said he was totally new to cyber dating. To my more intelligent skeptical self, he sounded almost too good to be true. But my big dumb ego elbowed all skeptical thoughts aside, and I let myself entertain the unlikely notion that a guy like that might find me appealing enough to date. After a few messages back and forth, he gave me his email address and asked me to send him more photos, "because I'm trying to figure out if you're my type or not." After sending him a few more photos, he asked for even more. I told him you can't always figure out if you're attracted to someone through photos, which is why people meet up for coffee or a drink (hint, hint). It's just a low-key way to eyeball each other to see if there are mutual sparks of attraction.
He then asked me to send him some naked photos. And there it is, dear readers. He was trying to lure me into the online dating equivalent of the infamous Nigerian email money scam. Instead of a Nigerian prince who needed my help to smuggle $2 million out of the country and into my bank account, a hot, young surgeon was interested in dating me! But first, I must send him some topless photos of myself. That's when even my big dumb ego had to admit he was just looking for some naked pictures, not a first date, and that we would not in fact be spending the coming months skipping together hand-in-hand while antiquing, wine tasting, or apple picking, as I had been semi-consciously daydreaming in my girlie-girl romantic fantasies.
My immediate reaction was to tell him he was a caveman and that I would never send anyone naked pictures. But I let it simmer in the evil part of my brain for a while, then decided to torture him a little bit by *pretending* I was going to send him some naked pics. I wanted to try to catfish the catfisher.
Caveman: I'm just trying to figure out how attracted to you I am, is that so bad hon? Anything you show me is for my eyes only. I will delete them right after I see them. So I guess it's up to you how serious you're being meeting me. I'm being completely serious about meeting you.
Caveman: Topless hon! Let's see!
Me: So, how old are you for reals?
Caveman: I'm waiting hon! I really am very serious about meeting you.
Me: (Pretending I've sent him an email with photos) Did u get them yet? I haven't heard back from you!!!!
Caveman: No. Nothing! Send them again hon.
Me: Oopsies! I'll send them again. 6 of them!
Caveman: STILL NOTHING! Try again hon! lol
Me: I wonder who I keep sending them to? lol
Caveman: (He retypes his email address for me) I got nothing!
Me: The guy I sent all your topless pics to just asked me out! LOL!
The next day I sent a blank reply to Caveman, as if I had tried yet again to attach those non-existent topless photos and failed.
Cavemen: Nothing attached.
Me: My photos must be too sexy for the internet! D'oh!
Caveman: How can you not figure out how to email some photos?
Me: I just made an appointment with The Geek Squad for this afternoon. I'll have the Geek they send over help me email those photos to you.
Caveman: Is that really necessary? You attached photos last time. Why can't you do it now?
Me: I knew it was a mistake to get off AOL last month. I'll have him get me back on AOL too.
Caveman: AOL? Really?
Me: No. I'm just f*cking with you.
Caveman: LOL. Send those photos over to me. STAT!
Me: Yeah, that's not going to happen. Your caveman charm is squandered on me.
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